Disclaimer: The names of the characters have been modified.
Ms. Brittany: "Doctor, two months ago, I was driving. And now, I can't even sit up. I had breast cancer several years ago. I survived that, and had all kinds of surgeries, but never knew that someone can have so much of pain and yet be alive. My eye is hurting as if it will burn away. My back is hurting as it will burn away.
I believe Jesus is there and he resides in me and he will help me."
I held Ms. Brittany's hand and tried to comfort her with the fomentation that she was struggling with and adjusted her posture to make her comfortable.
Me: Ms, Brittany, please continue to have this faith and have strong willpower. I have seen patients improve. We will try our best to ease your suffering with the help of medications. Please continue with physical therapy.
Long Pause while she looked me in the eye and attempted to speak more and tried to hide her tears...
Ms. Brittany: Thank you, doctor, for your positive words.
Ms. Brittany was an active and independent woman leading her life. She had a stroke that took her left half away.
Me: Ms. Brittany. Have you been seeing a neurologist?
Ms. Brittany: No doctor, And I don't think I can see one. I think it will be a while before I can drive again.
Me: Would you have anyone who can help you?
Ms. Brittany: I won't know until I ask. I guess, my family will. But everyone works, except me.
Me: Dear Ms. Brittany, you have worked hard all your life. It's your turn to get care.
Ms. Brittany: I guess, you are right, doctor.
You see, I lost my husband a year ago. Now, I am glad for him. He is in a much better place. I never knew someone could be in so much pain and yet be alive. It would have been traumatizing for him to see me this way. I am glad he went before he saw me in this condition."
Me: I am sorry to hear about your loss Ms Brittany. I can only imagine the pain and sadness that you must be going through. I will say that I agree he is at a good place and I hope things get better for you. Nothing lasts forever. This, too, shall pass and things will hopefully get better.
Ms. Brittany looked into my eye and said, "Thank you, doctor, for your positive words."
ms. Brittany must be a very kind soul. I have seen people get delirious and unpleasant when in so much pain and suffering. She had maintained her kindness and was not complaining much despite being in so much pain.
It was saddening to see her lying on the bed like that. I did whatever I could to give her some comfort and came out.
Life is so unpredictable. Would she have ever imagined the morning that this will be the last morning when she can walk out of the house?
The only thing that was giving her some relief was that her beloved husband did not suffer this way and also did not suffer from the pain of watching her suffer.
Just the same day, I met another very pleasant patient, Ms Stacy, she was independent and was enjoying cooking her meal in her house. She was worried about her posture that she was bending forward and this was getting worse. She had severe spinal stenosis and she did not want to go through any surgical intervention.
She mentioned that she lost her spouse 3 yrs ago. She got married to him at the age of 13 yrs and they never dated anyone else. They created a big family. She was proudly mentioning that her grandson-in-law was an Indian just like me and then she told me stories about India that she heard from her grandson-in-law who she was very fond of. She was very satisfied with her life and just wanted to maintain her independence until she was alive.
Both the patients were in their 80s and 90s
A few days ago, I saw another patient, Ms Katie in her 80s, for whom, mobility and being pain-free were very important. She responded great to the knee injections and was mobile again. She gave me a very precious hug and called me her daughter.
As we age, what is important.
Almost everyone wanted independence and mobility. No matter how much one is loved or not, no matter how much wealth or knowledge the person has, no matter how big a family someone had, in the end, your own hands and feet and brain matter, and people don't really want to stay in their body if the body limits them. The body in itself is limiting. We are not able to see, hear, or feel a lot of things. We are limited in our knowledge and reach. We are part of mother earth and are protected in her womb and we never take off. We stay in her womb from birth to death.
Until a few days ago, I could say that the memories of good times stay and all the life experiences result in fond memories that stay forever. Only to realize that memory fades away too.
I saw a very sweet elderly man, Mr. Alan today, whose wife lost her memory to the point that she didn't recognize him and could not tell a difference between him and another man.
He was shattered that the love of his life couldn't even recognize him. He was trying to hide his tears when e said that they were planning to move to assisted living and place his wife in memory care while he lived near her as he didn't have the physical capacity to take care of her and was very sad of losing the cohabiting with his wife of several decades. He was very thankful that he was able to use his shoulder again and manage quite a bit but his wife's memory loss was the most painful thing for him.
It will hurt only until he has his own memory.
Memory fades away too and so does the mind. It's not just the body but the memories get lost too. What remains then? Nothing? Or is there still some learning that we carry forever. And who is this We or I?
In the end, it is a lone journey of social animals. Even if you love someone from the core of the heart, that someone will not wait for you to be ready to say goodbye. When the time comes, that someone will go or that someone will not accompany you when you go.
It's a "bhedchaal" i.e. walking behind the sheep and cattle in the direction where they go. It just seems right to continue the life cycle and learn and earn and create a family and enjoy the time.
But what is the purpose?
No idea!
I just know that holding Ms. Brittany's hand and comforting her and placing her in a comfortable position, wiping her tears, listening to the stories from Ms. Stacy, being hugged by Ms. Katie, and comforting Mr. Alan made me feel really good. That gave me a feeling of pleasantness and I was able to close my eyes for the night peacefully and calmly.
One day someone asked me why I like to go out to the Assisted Living facility. It is for this vast knowledge that I gain from the gem of the patients who have collected wisdom for almost a century and who have lived the history, is why I don't mind driving 100 miles. Yes, that does make me think of my elderly parents with whom I would like to spend more time and take care of them, and also think of all the other elderly people who have ever seen me as their daughter. My heart goes out to them and I pray that everyone ages beautifully and keeps collecting wisdom points of pleasantness in their treasure box. We are all following their footsteps from the day we were born and we will continue to follow till the end.
Let's fill our treasure boxes with pleasantness!
Jaya Sonkar MD MPH
5/4/2023
©All rights reserved. Jaya Sonkar 2023
A song dedicated to all the elderly love birds! Please click on the link below to listen. Stay tuned!
https://www.spreaker.com/episode/53747096
