"Maut se kiski yaari hai, aj humari
to kal tumhari baari hai".
Help me! Help me! moved the struggling
lips of my patient (I will call him Mr Johnathon in my story).
While rounding on the patients in the
ICU, my senior got a call from the Emergency room for an ICU evaluation for a
patient with Stage 4 Prostate cancer and cholangiocarcinoma who recently became
short of breath and was intubated in the ER.
When we went down to the ER, we found an
elderly man lying on the stretcher, intubated, unable to speak. After gathering
his history from the nursing home records, I went back to the patient to
examine him. He was in distress and was struggling to make some gestures and
moved his lips. As I could read them, they said Help me! help me!
I held his hand and asked him, what can
I do for you? He moved his lips again. This time it looked like he was saying
'phone'. I asked him if we wanted me to call someone. He nodded his head. I
asked him if he would like me to call his family. He nodded again but this time
from side to side. I wasn't sure of what he was trying to say but I reassured
him that I will try my best to inform his people.
I called the nursing home and his
primary care doctor and found out that he had no family and was alone. I felt a
little helpless in being unable to help the old guy.
We did the needful for Mr Jonathon and
got him transferred to the ICU in the shortest possible time to provide him
with critical life support. Several times I went to his room. His eyes spoke
volumes to me but in a language that I could not understand. It was French to
my eyes but I knew they were crying out loud for help. I would hold his hand
and pat him on his shoulder but felt helpless that I couldnt do anything more
for him.
My shift got over and I went back home.
Returned next morning. Happy to learn that Mr Johnathon improved and was
planned for extubation. He sounded much relieved after extubation. His voice
was vibrant this time. I asked him about his family. He said he was the last
descendant and his wife passed away 10 years back. I asked him what was it that
he was asking for last night. He said that he wanted to speak with his primary
care doctor. It turned out that he had requested a DNR/DNI and didn't want to
be intubated. He said, 'don't ever do that to me again'. My senior and I
reassured him that we will honor his wish. He looked fine thereafter, humming
to himself, ate some food and rested thereafter while we rounded on other
patients.
Soon after, the same evening, the
patient started desaturating, He was DNI and he also refused mask for
ventilation. We felt helpless for him and explained him that if he denies
respiratory support, this could be the end. He closed his eyes, prayed to Jesus
and softly uttered, 'Let me go...'
There was a moment of silence. We looked
at each other, speechless. Respiratory tech put the pt on High flow oxygen and
we gave him morphine for comfort.
We thought that this was it. He is
probably not going to wake up again but to our surprise, he did and again with
full spirit. For some reason, I was getting very anxious because so far I had
seen the demented patients go but he was the first one who was fully in his
senses with a great sense of humor, waiting for the time to come. I don't know
if I was comforting him or myself but I went to him again, smiled at him and
asked him how was he feeling. He nodded and winked and showed me 6 fingers to
rate his pain followed by a thumbs up. We smiled. He asked for some ice and
water. I gave him. Then there was a long pause.
To break the silence, I casually asked
him what were his hobbies. He said, he loved painting and cooking. He smiled
back. Then he said, "I have never discussed this earlier. My wife passed
away 10 yrs back. I have been sick in the past and during one of those times ,
I had this experience. I saw a very beautiful white light and there she was
standing in very beautiful white and blue. A white that was such a beautiful
white that I could not make it with my colors. A blue that was so beautiful
that my colors could not paint. I tried hard painting the picture but could
not. I saw my wife again in the same white and blue. She was holding my hand,
Then she went to the other side of the door and I came back. But I know there
is a wonderful life waiting for me. My wife is waiting for me. We are going to
unite again in a very beautiful world. I am no longer afraid of dying. I am so
ready to go. I am so ready to meet her again." Then he closed his eyes.
There was a very calm smile on his face.
He started humming again. Then he spoke
about this apple pie that he made with his wife. He said they no longer make
them in the restaurants any more. He said, 'If you want it, you gotta make it
on your own.' As if he really cared about that apple pie. I asked him if I he
wanted to eat something. He said , 'No, I don't feel like eating anything...You
are an angel.' Then he told me that he hadn't slept in many days and was
feeling really good after getting a good deep sleep. Don't know why but my eyes
were brimming with water and as I was struggling not to blink to contain it in
my eyes, he said, 'I am no longer afraid of dying. A very beautiful life is
waiting for me. Then he closed his eyes.' I didn't know who was comforting
whom.
I asked him to let me know if he needed
anything and came out of the room, still hoping for him to survive.
Everytime, I see a patient dying, I feel
this strong urge to save him forever. If only, we could save everybody forever.
But the truth is that everything that has a beginning, has an end. Everyone who
has a birthday will also have death day. I will also go one day. My loved ones
will too. Everybody will!
The roads that we walk today, had been
walked by a complete different set of people, who are not there any more.
Yesterday, our ancestors were running the world and tomorrow our descendants
will. . . There is an end to every existence.. Then what is the purpose of
life. Are we born to create the castles, bridges, invent electricity,robots,
find cure for diseases? Or, are we born for something more meaningful. Are we
born for an experience. An experience of love and fulfilment. What matters
more!
I read a book recently, 'Only Love is
real' by Dr Brian Weiss. It makes more sense to me now when I saw my patient
lying on the deathbed with a gratifying smile. He had lived a very loved life
and was ready to leave this world with a bag full of experience, learnings,
wisdom and love that prepared him for marching towards a new mysterious
existence with his loved ones. He had no fear because his love overpowered his
death. Could money, fame or power get him the gratification he needed for an
easy transition from one life to the other. May be not. But his love did. He
indeed has a life beyond our mundane existence. A life of gratification,
serenity, calmness and love!
The answer probably lies in finding our
ownselves. Finding our utmost desires for which we came to this world. Every
soul has its own goals. Gratification could come from any act as long as it is
the deepest desire your soul wants to fulfil or your senses want to enjoy. It could
come from being a doctor and treating the patients, it could come from painting
the most beautiful scenes in the world or building megastructures on earth, It
could come from travelling the world and enjoying the nature, eating the most
delicious food in the world, wearing the beautiful dresses and enjoying the
soft touch to the skin, it could come from meditating and exploring our minds
or it could come from enjoying our sleep and then waking up fresh. It could be
found in taking care of the parents who raised us, or raising our own kids into
successful parents or it could be found in finding our soulmate and having a
cup of coffee with him/her everyday over meaningful discussion. What really
matters is 'Peace with your own soul' and that's the key to salvation that
completes the journey of life.
I will end this discussion here as I
begin my journey to explore what i came to this world for. Wish thee well!
-Jaya Sonkar
©All rights reserved. Jaya Sonkar 2015
Thank you ! :)
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