A few days ago, I watched a Ted Talk about, "Present, Not Perfect" by Elaine Meyer. She explained very beautifully how one of her patients wanted someone just to be there to hold her hands and reassure her. How that patient didn't want a perfect doctor but wanted a nice someone to be there for her. Humans are blessed with emotions which can work miracles for the sufferers.
One of my most memorable patients was a very sweet old lady in her mid-80s who succumbed to a massive MI. I will name her Mrs. Jones in my story. Her husband, Mr. Jones, was almost a 100 yrs old. He had never imagined that he will see her go. He was confident that he would die before her. But life took a turn and left him alone once again.
When Mrs. Jones came to the hospital, she was somehow aware that she would not be able to make it. What did she want at that time? When Mr. Jones lost Mrs. Jones, what did he really want from us? They both wanted a human touch. They needed someone to hold their hands and listen to them, someone to give a rub on their shoulder, and perhaps a hug.
They were coming from a long journey which was at its last mile. They probably wanted to tell us about what they saw, what they learned, what they experienced and what were they concerned about at the end of the journey.
When Mr. Jones got the message that Mrs. Jones passed, his legs started wobbling, his heart sank and so did he. We held him and slowly lowered him to the chair. Tears ran down his eyes. It was 15 minutes of silence. Somehow, no words came to my mind. All I did was hold his hands and sit next to him. I couldn't break the silence.
Mrs. Martha, one of the nurses gently interrupted and asked the family if they had any questions for me.The husband and other family members had no questions. The nurse then gently asked them to move aside so she could cover Mrs. Jones and get her ready for her final farewell.
Soon after everyone left, Mrs. Martha came to me and said, "Doc, it's 3 a.m. in the morning. You've been working hard all day and all night. Go, get some rest."
I was lost in my own thoughts. I looked at her and asked her," Mrs. Martha, how do you deal with many such tragedies day in and day out."
She smiled and kindly whispered, "You are very nice... I try. People in the hospital think that we have an attitude in this unit. But we have a heart too. We have to toughen up. But we are there for our patients. These two hands have held many patients' hands and helped them bid adieu to this world. Oftentimes, people pity when some patients are alone that those patients are going to die alone. Doctor... nobody dies alone here. We are there for all those patients."
Following week, when I went to the clinic, one of the attendings, Dr. Cool, was casually mentioning about what he wants after death, where he wanted to be buried and which car should be used to transfer his body. My eyes were awestruck. People plan for living and he was planning for what happens after his death. Another attending, Dr. Nice, who was observed my expressions, said, 'Don't be surprised, my friend. You are young. You plan for how you want to live. At our age, we know we will die sooner or later, so we all try to prepare ourselves for that.'
Just a month later, I met another patient who lost her spouse in the morning and developed a heart attack herself soon after. When I went to see her, she was all tears and said, 'My husband is calling me. I want to go to him. But I am scared.' Fortunately, she had many family members to comfort her. All she needed from me was reassurance and a human touch.
When we are born, all fortunate ones get the warmth from our parents. It's said old age is a second childhood. The same warmth is needed again but not everyone is fortunate enough to get it.
What we can do on our end is be nice to anyone who is suffering. Give them a human touch. Show them that we care and are not mere machines who follow protocols.
Just as I was engrossed in my thoughts, I noticed one of our fellow doctors, Dr. Fluffano, who was very proud of his very special position, yelling at his colleague for a chair. In his mind, every chair had a rightful owner. I was surprised to see that. Then he yelled at another doctor for something else. Then Dr. Fluffano came to me and tried to yell at me for something that he assumed had happened, but was not true. At first, I was unhappy at his reaction. Then I thought that there must be a reason behind his unpleasant behavior with his colleagues which was earning him hatred from one and all. Could this be purely his ego, or could this be the power of his new position blinding him or could he be going through some problem which no one understood nor gave him a human touch?
Instead of feeling angry, I started feeling sad for him and decided to help him understand the impact of his actions and where would they lead him. So, I helped him with some kind words. Hopefully, it will lead him to self-realization.
What really separates humans from other animals is intelligence and emotions. An act of kindness and a human touch can make a huge difference in any kind of outcome. It is not limited to patients. It is universal. Everyone needs someone who cares, someone who is there, someone who is present even if not perfect. It is always worth offering kindness to people and be present for them.
Let's do one act of kindness every day. Let's be present for someone. Let's not make anyone miserable. Let's make efforts to add a human touch in the care we deliver. Would you like to join?
Disclaimer: The facts, identities, and incidents have been modified. Any resemblance to anyone living or dead is purely coincidental.
-Jaya Sonkar, M.D., M.P.H.
©All rights reserved. Jaya Sonkar 2017
